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Monthly Archives: May 2012

I don’t regret many things in life. Actually I can probably count on one hand all of the things I’ve ever regretted in my lifetime. But I am fearful of a several things. Spiders, flesh being cut open, large iguanas in a group, being unable to maintain a womanly figure after bearing children. I’d just rather not deal with any of them. If you’ve ever been around while I encounter any of the aforementioned, I do this thing where I put face behind my hands, make squealing sounds and hope that makes them “go away.”

I suppose this one isn’t a fear so much as it is loathing. Or maybe it’s equal parts fear and loathing.

It’s that girl you see. Kaylee, arch-nemesis of Alec Baldwin’s character, Jack Donaghy. I fear and loath the day I meet my Kaylee.

It’s already happening, I know it. There are girls out there who are cooler, snider, brighter, prettier, smarter, and lovelier than me (Maybe I don’t think I am all or any of those things (except maybe snide) but I’d like to think I can be some sort of competition for women within my age range and education level). And I fear the day I meet one of them.

I think I will freeze up inside, then curse and then think it will be time for me to retire.

But I will try to go down fighting, like Jack. Hopefully she won’t be a deceitful mastermind with a penchant for well-designed ruses, but I will not hide behind my hands and squeal them away. Rather I will do my best to muster up my years of wisdom and maturity and see to it that I retire when I’m ready to retire. Maybe I will even mentor one of those bambis.

I’m just a little freaked out by all these young kids who seem so smart and knowledgeable about so many things at one time. Can you blame me? It makes me feel my days are numbered and I haven’t even had the chance to unravel 1/4 of my full career plan.

Well, I will beat you, spawn of the Moist Towelette Generation. I will beat you or I will join you. But you will not push me out.

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